Pain And Its Assorted Bullshit....

I really hate life right now the good thing is in a few minutes, hours, days, weeks,months it will all be better the pain and horror and raw nerves and the thoughts not wanted and the feelings not desired will be less and less and less...and then one day i will wonder why i cared so much at all in the first place..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tja6_h4lT6A&feature=BFa&list=FLtFt8HMLwynpYvQoQFLm7aw&lf=my_favorites

I Am Not Living Up To My Full Potential......

...... in my life at all.In fact I feel stuck in a loop,in a rut, having a glitch in the software known as the brain. Things have to change in all areas of my life....

In Life Things Must Change....And You Better Fucking Get Used To it...

   Change. The word conjures up so many things, some are illusion, some are concrete realities.The word alone creates fear in some people so strong they cannot move.The action of change will sometimes do the same thing even to the point some people would rather deal in denial and create a reality opposed to what is really going on.Change can be scary and it can hurt and the worst part of it is sometimes it needs to fucking hurt so you can move forward in life.Like re breaking a bone that has grown back together twisted and useless so it can mend strait and be of use.

   For some people change is even if not sought after it is at least dealt with and used to begin something new and beneficial or to get back on to a path in their life that will bring good things.

   Unfortunately or maybe fortunately life has to have both outlooks and a willingness to face fear and pain and loss to hopefully gain peace of mind and progress.

   Things in life change in life if you want it or not.Some change is of our own volition.The desire to make life better to get rid of the things holding us back or damaging us or others.Some change must happen because it must and that it just how the universe rolls sometimes.

   I have had times where I welcomed the idea of change and made it happen.Other times it was not a change I wanted but needed to happen to be able to become a more whole person and let it happen.Most of the time change was something I fought tooth and nail screaming obscenities the whole time until I found out it was not that bad of a thing.

   Right now my life is a mix of changes happening I did not want and changes that must happen for me to be a more whole healthy person for myself and those I love.Some changes are because I needed to do them but spent too much time procrastinating or letting my ego get in the way of truth and self reflection and to stop being such an idiot.Right now there are changes that I cannot put words to yet because they are not fully formed and I do not have enough understanding to do them correctly and that will come.

What The Fuck Do I Do Now.....

It is almost the end of 2011 and about a month away from being the end of my fortieth year on this earth.Was a year of definitely highs and lows, and right now it is a state of flux.There are many possibilities in front of me as to what this next year will be.All of them depend on my decisions ultimately yet a few possible outcomes have a lot to do with other people or circumstances. As it is I have no idea as to what is  going to come.Some things I can change and push forward on my own other things depend on me waiting for more information or things to align themselves in a stable pattern.

Never did quite quit smoking or drinking though I can say I am drinking far less.In fact the last time I drank I had found I am kind of  losing the taste for it. I did get working this year and still have the job though the hours are crap and I must find either a full time job or a decent second job. The only other bad part is because of the hours and constantly changing days I rarely get time with my daughter, my girlfriend who I never see anymore , and friends that i have not seen in about nine months.And having to be stuck back at the parents house again til i can save and find a place kinda sucks as usual.As for my relationship better off saying very little because it is not concrete nor is it dissolved.

Again we head into a new year and there are things I must accomplish.Mentally and physically and spiritually I desire to have more control and discipline and advancement in all three of those areas.I must find more work and get moved out.I will wait and see where my relationship goes.I will get in better shape.Good thing is i have lost quite a bit of the weight so am feeling better.I must start drawing again and a few other things I need to start again.Most of all I want to stay just being a happy positive realistic person in the face of all the horrible shit that likes to happen to me at the same time.Fuck this being depressed and immobile.I have shit to accomplish.

Saying A Fare The Well To An Olde Companion Of Mine.....

I am sitting here at 8:32 a.m. drinking a beer (a Hop Stoopid to be accurate) with an olde friend and companion of mine that I must say goodbye to.

We have if we were olde cowboys rode together many years, since I was thirteen to be exact. We have shared many good times, great experiences, love, discovered music and art and ourselves together. We have also experienced much pain together, heartbreak, suffering, breakdowns and loss. Many times because of each other.

We know each other in a way few people can know each other. We inspired each other to great lunacy , laughter and insight.We also inspired each other to waste, madness, and blindness.

We are best of friends and greatest of enemies.

My companion has been killing me for many years. I while needing this friend to get through many a hard time allowed it to at the same time contribute to the hard times. (I was always a lover of great paradox..)and I have to say goodbye(though a reunion once or twice a year is not so bad, sometimes a friend is like that.).You see I do not feel as alone as I once did. Kind of ironic with my constant companion I was alone all that time..Told you I am a lover of great paradox. So not feeling that alone anymore I do not feel the need to be with my olde friend..you see it takes me away from those I love the most though it never always seemed that way.

Many of you have seen me and my Olde Friend run amok and be a source of great amusement and realities...never knowing that I was a deadman running around mimicking life, and that makes me sad.And often I am told I cannot be without that Olde Fiend...that makes me sad because I realize that either no one knows who I am without the Fiend or that maybe no one has ever really got to know me.

By know those two people that have ever read my posts know that I am saying goodbye to alcohol(though everyone seems to think I cannot..maybe it is they cannot..who knows..again lover of paradox..lol)My body I have put to its limits for way too long.And though there are great drunks...I no longer want to be one of them.It is a waste of my potential and will take me away from everyone(the few there are)that ever loved and cherished and wanted me.

Before last weekend I had decided that brewfest and probably Plunder A Thon would be my going out in style.All it did was remind me i used to drink so much because i hated life and the world around me.Drinking doesn't make that hate go away it just makes me part of it in a way and brings me closer to the death I see in this world masquerading as life.I am tired of dying and I have been killing myself way too long.

As I weigh the scales I see I and those that I love around me have lost more than they gained by my running amok drinking..sure it looks like fun, and sure it has been at times, and you know what? I want to be known more for than I am a fun drunk.And I want my daughter and my Woman and my friends to know me for more than that also.

Conway Twitty...something i hope remains true for TheLady until we are old and embarassing and inspiring our kids grandkids and anyone bothering to look our way...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJx1pYrrZ8A&feature=autoplay&list=PL3FE2F6A95F9BE9B3&index=5&playnext=2

Storming The Reality Studio....: The Passing...Michael Madden and Dave Porch...

Storming The Reality Studio....: The Passing...Michael Madden and Dave Porch...: "Two Deaths this week of people I was associated with through others. One was tragic and the other was not a surprise and was peaceful. Mic..."

The Passing...Michael Madden and Dave Porch...

Two Deaths this week of people I was associated with through others. One was tragic and the other was not a surprise and was peaceful.

Michael Madden Raven's Great Grandfather died a few days ago. He live a long interesting life and was an interesting man. He was a man that liked to find out a little about you. He never treated me like a freak which is a rare thing. You would of never known he was wealthy because he did not act like he was better than you or had to brag. He was an amazing artist/painter. He will be greatly missed.

Dave Porch. He was one of my brothers friends. I never was around Dave much but as all of the old Bremerton punks he was funny, creative and greatly loved by all of them...he died a few day after a massive heart attack.I know that Al Brooks , my brother Bruce  will miss him greatly because I heard his name mentioned so many times by my brother when I was around him. It is a great loss for all of them...

I hope Dave Porch and Michael  Madden get to stand next too each other wherever the afterlife takes them so they can share a laugh and make fun of the world as they and we know it...Michael Madden would thoroughly enjoy Dave as ever body that knew him did...

I can only hope that i will be as well loved , missed and remembered as these two are when it is my time to go...

Time Is Not .....

Hate realizing that I never do anything but work and try to get sleep and function. I have a new art I have not drawn in. I have not used this blog lately, mainly because I either cannot think strait or am at work , on the way to work , or on the run...Work to live though it seems not much living ever goes on.Wash rinse repeat die...what bullshit...

Of course it is up to me to try to find the time for all the people in my life and work and recharging but always in the middle of people wanting things from me without understanding I have to juggle so much..that sucks...

Yet on the whole it is a lot better than sitting around doing nothing and feeling miserable mentally.At least this way I have money to try and make things better and more interesting...if I ever find the time...

Was Going To Say Something.....

As soon as I remembered I have this stupid blog no one really reads and decide to write something I draw a blank...

Life has been the interesting work all night , barely sleep  then do it again...spend very little time with the daughter and girlfriend so they get the insane sleep deprived person that is me and not me...I feel more pity for them than me..yes I have to be this sleep deprived mess but they have to deal with me and wish I was more alive..Be nice if I actually made a shit load of money..

So now I have money to do things but because I work all night and my nights off do not include weekends I cannot do the Pirate and Jacobite things and spend time with my daughter during the winter when she is in school..amazing how you need money but it helps take time away from your family and loved ones and still it leads to very little except a place to rent where you cannot really do what you want and bills and transportation...yet it is better than having no money and no place to live...what a screwed up system where work gets to dictate your family life and yet we have a world in turmoil because the family is a mess...

Night work is strange because it is so hard to get rest due to having family life during the day...and the world operates mostly in the day so that is when you shop, socialize, pay bills, do life business..and yet at night they want you to kill yourself at work knowing all this and pay you very little....interesting sociey..

On The Subject Of The New Reality Emerging.....

   Obviously I have not posted anything in a long time. A lot of it was at one point depression at another point things kept occurring and decisions were being decided upon and a lot of things just happening. And that my friends is called life.

   So what have I been up to, and what the hell am I doing now, and what the hell will I be doing later?Well a lot seems to describe all three questions.

   I am in a relationship with a woman named LaDonna and am in the process of trying to save money for us to have a place together. It is funny it seems like she has always been with me just in the other room maybe or outside in the yard. It was like I could always hear and see glimpses of her and now she is just in the room more often and I can see and hear her more clear...

   I have a real job for the first time in years, of course I am staying up all night playing with boxes and box knives and running around non stop all night..the usual thing I do when I have a Real Job. It is at Target and it will do for right now.It does not provide enough hours as far as I am concerned and in time I will look for something better..

   Unfortunately I do not get to see my daughter enough but summer is coming so I will see her more. I am not really able to go to Pirate and Jacobite/Celtic Reveler things not help out Tam the Hat so this year it seems I will be mainly working and saving money and next year be able to do things. I miss seeing my friends and missing the wedding of Don and Elizabeth at Sea Dogs also sucks..but sometimes one has to live normal mundane life. Of course the going to events will no longer be the means to escape the hell I was living for so long...so that means they will be more fun for me...

    I await to see what the rest of this year produces. I said it was my year and I meant it.It seems the universe agreed with me for once....ha ha ha

Some More Truth Wrapped In Bullshit.....

i live by the concepts of paradox and absurdity(often disguised and comedy and tragedy)

I Am..

I am an idiot savant, A philosopher king ...A fool that knows too much and an arrogant fuck that is too humble for his own good..I see things from the inside out...Close enough to you to be a fascination and different enough for you to want to kill..

Speaking In Tongues....

They spoke with songs , writings and pictures...
They spoke with a roll of the hip and the taste of each others secret places...
They spoke volumes with silence..and laughter and common corners of the mind....

Fuck Two Posts In One Day.....

Prolific or just having to ramble you decide...

Ooops got distracted...

I find myself in a very interesting point in my life. Last year was a year of outer change.What I mean by that is I started removing people and things and attitudes that were non productive and in most circumstances destructive to my sense of self and well being.These changes produced results quite quickly.I found myself more sane than I have been in many years, less angry, less empty, less hopeless.I had hit the point in my life where I was no longer  anything like who I had been or wanted to be.I was a burnt out husk of a person, and when I decided that I no longer wanted to let others hurt me and took that responsibility for myself to become myself again life had a little more color again.

I started coming out of others shadows and being the person attached to other people and recognized as this person people knew but only saw the shadow of who I am. Many new friendships were formed and other deepened.I also found out through a relationship that could of in the past been a long miserable one dealing with someone else's insanity(which makes mine worse) and having it end that now I have finally got to the point of not having to be someone's fucking saviour and be emotionally blackmailed or stay in something out of fear or guilt about what will happen to them.Then something unexpected happened.

I had set myself on the idea of the hell with relationships with one person or even the idea I could love or have someone to be in love. There are certain mindsets I want in my life but felt that would never be so instead of going through more damage or worse being someone else's damage through a false relationship built of the time honored fear of never getting laid or be alone to settle for someone that I had only marginal similarities with. So I was going along just doing whatever I was going to do, and found someone to do that with and we were both surprised by the fact we had way more in common in mindset and how to live life than we thought.The funny thing to me is instead of us both being terrified of that idea and running away from each other as fast as we could which is usually the normal thing to do....we decided to run into each other and see exactly where this takes us.It says a lot to me that I really have no fear about this.It is nice to run across someone that I feel like I know and that has qualities I had missed in a woman and friend and lover...(every time I hear that word I think of this one Saturday Night Live skit...which I will post later.)anybody that put on  and enjoys punk rock at 7 am while I cook breakfast for us is a keeper...So yeah this is someone I am going to really enjoy experiencing life with and finding out what happens...

So that was last year of the outer things being changed that produced the healthy environment to produce the life changes I need to start the second half of my life.For all those years of chaos and pain and destruction I decided this year is my year and no one is going to take that away from me....

This year it is just focus on my daughter, my new relationship with a cool creative woman,the positive friendships I have, getting full time work again(fucking economy and dealing with other peoples shit was a full time job last year)and a place with my friend Rob and life will take care of itself.

A kind of side note....There was a place I had mentioned in other posts where I use to hang out then worked at, and a friend and family that became family to me.That place was there for me all through the last ten years of chaos.I think it is fitting as life has changed in a positive way that the store closing is great symbolism for the ending of things to make way for better things.It also is a last tie to a chapter of my life.Nick is going on to better things and so is his family and so am I..but damn I am going to miss all the fun we had...

Oh and here is that lovers skit I mentioned earlier
http://www.hulu.com/watch/4135/saturday-night-live-patio-lovers

Just Not Into That Much Bullshit Anymore.....

There is nothing more satisfying than having a fight with an idiot and knowing not only are you justified but even better knowing that person can no longer hurt you in anyway anymore....and even better knowing you have someone in your life now that you know you are safe with and that you can love and respect...It is a liberating experience...

Plethora.....

S.O.D. - Anti-Procrastination Song

Ha finally remembered how to link the damn video....hahahaha..it says share....

anti...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAZhRW9o4J4

And This Is The Part Where We Talk About 2010 And The New Year Of 2011......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAZhRW9o4J4

PART 1: 2010

And here we are. For some reason I have been putting this off. Of course the this I am speaking of is the obligatory blog about the last year and the ideas for the new year. I was going to figure out why I was taking so long but decided fuck it all that matters is that I do it.

2010 like any other year was a mix of plans working out and plans not even close to working out and then the l surprises that happen. Which in a proper life is as it should be.

I spent a lot of the last year moving away from some relationships and circumstances that needed to moved on from to regain a sense of myself again. I had realized I had spent so much time dealing with other peoples shit and not taking care of myself in any way to the point who I was as a person no longer tangible and I had became a shade.

I had made decisions leave certain situations because I was becoming or on a quest to start becoming myself again. I also made decisions to take care of myself for once, not wasting time in endless arguments or trying to help people that refused to do anything about their life except fuck up and gain negative attention.

I had also realized that in my own way I was becoming my own force of nature actually taking on aspects of personality I had run from and avoided for years. For an example I find myself in situations of leadership and responsibilities that usually annoy me because I hate telling people what to do though I do it very well.The people that want me to take the lead do so because I let them be themselves and deal with their positives and negatives to actually get shit done. Another reason is a lot of the time I am going to do shit myself or with those I tell what to do. I fucking hate tyrants though again I can be great one so I tend not want to be an asshole for my own ego gratification.Most of all I try to have fun , get others to have fun and require that out of those I hang with and they know that and that brings freedom.

Moving on....the other thing I had to work on is realizing I am worth a shit, worth knowing, worth loving,and deserve to be happy...so that is what I have been working on this year.

There were miss steps which I really do not feel like going into in depth.The good thing is i got out of those situations fast where before I would be stuck in situations that were unhealthy...if someone drives you nuts and makes you doubt yourself and does everything to be the needy or that needs saved get the fuck out..and if i feel myself acting that way I get the fuck out of it. I am not interested in being saved, I am quite good at doing that for myself, I am not interested in having to save anyone because that is not my job.Done that job.Did it well..will not do it again because most don't want to be saved they want to control you in unhealthy ways and not only you....

Had to say goodbye to a good friend that I worked for , for years.The store where I spent a lot of time over the last ten years hanging with a friend that saw me go through hell and survive is now gone.Going to miss it.RIP Star Market..but that is proper because last year was the beginning of a lot of changes and this was the last tie to an old world and an old life..Which was part of the theme for last year..was it not...

For a lame recap...finally moved out of Tigard , left my pirate fleet and started my own, made a lot of new friends, had a very (thank the goddess whoever that might be...)short relationship that in a nice ironic way introduced me to someone else that I am  actually enjoy getting to know and look forward to what ever may be....

Still did not get full time work in 2010 but I knew that was not going to happen. Last year was the transition year..or more like doing the prep work to begin the real work...2011


PART 2: 2011

So this is 2011. Turned forty in January, about a week ago. That brings a lot of weirdness to the table. I have spent the first forty years living life, fucking up, discovering who and what i am about, how people work and how the world works...unfortunately i found out none of the above mentioned work worth a shit....
I had to do a lot of overcoming things mentally and physically over these years.Addictions, insanity, homelessness, doing things that kill most people or totally ruin their mind for life, violence, being totally destroyed emotionally, have everyone I care about turn their back on me to focus on their bullshit, and strange shit...hahaha.

Now I listen to the world call me a loser, failure , worthless , etc. and for the most part they are right..on paper that is...I have spent my life not giving a real fuck about how people want to perceive me as a person because most of the time they are wrong and it is based on not knowing me and i am still that way. I have decided this year of all years belongs to me and I know it does as long as I put the effort into it. As for naysayers and those that will tell me I am not worth a chance or any other negative life sucking shit they can put on me, well they can fuck off completely.You see after years of hearing this and your own family telling you they wish you would of died on the streets and living life without any real moral support from those that not only claim to love you but your own blood that should love you and support and protect you, after hearing that for so long what makes the world think they can fucking hurt me...ha ha ha assholes the jokes on you...having faith in yourself becomes truly interesting when so few have faith in you...

Nice rant huh?....

What does 2011 hold for me.Well I know I am going to find a full time job if they want to give me one or not whoever they may be...then I am moving to Portland or at least somewhere without my family or my ex because I am sick of living with control freak uncooperative family and friends...I am going to start drawing and making music again, going  to get back in shape mentally and physically. I am going to fuck like mad....damn it ....hahaha..taking back everything in my life i gave away to others to put myself back together again to be able to give those things of me i value to people that will value those things also and not try to leech from me...

All the years of going through hell was for a lot of good reasons...the next thirty or forty years are going to be a lot more intersting and better...the first forty was preparation the next forty is for living....and laughing at those that were always negative tearing me down and laughing because they actually did more to show me how strong i am as a person and how much I can endure which is a lot more than they could..

So 2011 is mine, good people, life laughter, gaining the last steps of freedom i have been hungering  for a long time.

So who is with me on this...