They spoke with songs , writings and pictures...
They spoke with a roll of the hip and the taste of each others secret places...
They spoke volumes with silence..and laughter and common corners of the mind....
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Fuck Two Posts In One Day.....
Prolific or just having to ramble you decide...
Ooops got distracted...
I find myself in a very interesting point in my life. Last year was a year of outer change.What I mean by that is I started removing people and things and attitudes that were non productive and in most circumstances destructive to my sense of self and well being.These changes produced results quite quickly.I found myself more sane than I have been in many years, less angry, less empty, less hopeless.I had hit the point in my life where I was no longer anything like who I had been or wanted to be.I was a burnt out husk of a person, and when I decided that I no longer wanted to let others hurt me and took that responsibility for myself to become myself again life had a little more color again.
I started coming out of others shadows and being the person attached to other people and recognized as this person people knew but only saw the shadow of who I am. Many new friendships were formed and other deepened.I also found out through a relationship that could of in the past been a long miserable one dealing with someone else's insanity(which makes mine worse) and having it end that now I have finally got to the point of not having to be someone's fucking saviour and be emotionally blackmailed or stay in something out of fear or guilt about what will happen to them.Then something unexpected happened.
I had set myself on the idea of the hell with relationships with one person or even the idea I could love or have someone to be in love. There are certain mindsets I want in my life but felt that would never be so instead of going through more damage or worse being someone else's damage through a false relationship built of the time honored fear of never getting laid or be alone to settle for someone that I had only marginal similarities with. So I was going along just doing whatever I was going to do, and found someone to do that with and we were both surprised by the fact we had way more in common in mindset and how to live life than we thought.The funny thing to me is instead of us both being terrified of that idea and running away from each other as fast as we could which is usually the normal thing to do....we decided to run into each other and see exactly where this takes us.It says a lot to me that I really have no fear about this.It is nice to run across someone that I feel like I know and that has qualities I had missed in a woman and friend and lover...(every time I hear that word I think of this one Saturday Night Live skit...which I will post later.)anybody that put on and enjoys punk rock at 7 am while I cook breakfast for us is a keeper...So yeah this is someone I am going to really enjoy experiencing life with and finding out what happens...
So that was last year of the outer things being changed that produced the healthy environment to produce the life changes I need to start the second half of my life.For all those years of chaos and pain and destruction I decided this year is my year and no one is going to take that away from me....
This year it is just focus on my daughter, my new relationship with a cool creative woman,the positive friendships I have, getting full time work again(fucking economy and dealing with other peoples shit was a full time job last year)and a place with my friend Rob and life will take care of itself.
A kind of side note....There was a place I had mentioned in other posts where I use to hang out then worked at, and a friend and family that became family to me.That place was there for me all through the last ten years of chaos.I think it is fitting as life has changed in a positive way that the store closing is great symbolism for the ending of things to make way for better things.It also is a last tie to a chapter of my life.Nick is going on to better things and so is his family and so am I..but damn I am going to miss all the fun we had...
Oh and here is that lovers skit I mentioned earlier
http://www.hulu.com/watch/4135/saturday-night-live-patio-lovers
Ooops got distracted...
I find myself in a very interesting point in my life. Last year was a year of outer change.What I mean by that is I started removing people and things and attitudes that were non productive and in most circumstances destructive to my sense of self and well being.These changes produced results quite quickly.I found myself more sane than I have been in many years, less angry, less empty, less hopeless.I had hit the point in my life where I was no longer anything like who I had been or wanted to be.I was a burnt out husk of a person, and when I decided that I no longer wanted to let others hurt me and took that responsibility for myself to become myself again life had a little more color again.
I started coming out of others shadows and being the person attached to other people and recognized as this person people knew but only saw the shadow of who I am. Many new friendships were formed and other deepened.I also found out through a relationship that could of in the past been a long miserable one dealing with someone else's insanity(which makes mine worse) and having it end that now I have finally got to the point of not having to be someone's fucking saviour and be emotionally blackmailed or stay in something out of fear or guilt about what will happen to them.Then something unexpected happened.
I had set myself on the idea of the hell with relationships with one person or even the idea I could love or have someone to be in love. There are certain mindsets I want in my life but felt that would never be so instead of going through more damage or worse being someone else's damage through a false relationship built of the time honored fear of never getting laid or be alone to settle for someone that I had only marginal similarities with. So I was going along just doing whatever I was going to do, and found someone to do that with and we were both surprised by the fact we had way more in common in mindset and how to live life than we thought.The funny thing to me is instead of us both being terrified of that idea and running away from each other as fast as we could which is usually the normal thing to do....we decided to run into each other and see exactly where this takes us.It says a lot to me that I really have no fear about this.It is nice to run across someone that I feel like I know and that has qualities I had missed in a woman and friend and lover...(every time I hear that word I think of this one Saturday Night Live skit...which I will post later.)anybody that put on and enjoys punk rock at 7 am while I cook breakfast for us is a keeper...So yeah this is someone I am going to really enjoy experiencing life with and finding out what happens...
So that was last year of the outer things being changed that produced the healthy environment to produce the life changes I need to start the second half of my life.For all those years of chaos and pain and destruction I decided this year is my year and no one is going to take that away from me....
This year it is just focus on my daughter, my new relationship with a cool creative woman,the positive friendships I have, getting full time work again(fucking economy and dealing with other peoples shit was a full time job last year)and a place with my friend Rob and life will take care of itself.
A kind of side note....There was a place I had mentioned in other posts where I use to hang out then worked at, and a friend and family that became family to me.That place was there for me all through the last ten years of chaos.I think it is fitting as life has changed in a positive way that the store closing is great symbolism for the ending of things to make way for better things.It also is a last tie to a chapter of my life.Nick is going on to better things and so is his family and so am I..but damn I am going to miss all the fun we had...
Oh and here is that lovers skit I mentioned earlier
http://www.hulu.com/watch/4135/saturday-night-live-patio-lovers
Just Not Into That Much Bullshit Anymore.....
There is nothing more satisfying than having a fight with an idiot and knowing not only are you justified but even better knowing that person can no longer hurt you in anyway anymore....and even better knowing you have someone in your life now that you know you are safe with and that you can love and respect...It is a liberating experience...
Plethora.....
Plethora.....
Sunday, January 16, 2011
S.O.D. - Anti-Procrastination Song
Ha finally remembered how to link the damn video....hahahaha..it says share....
And This Is The Part Where We Talk About 2010 And The New Year Of 2011......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAZhRW9o4J4
PART 1: 2010
And here we are. For some reason I have been putting this off. Of course the this I am speaking of is the obligatory blog about the last year and the ideas for the new year. I was going to figure out why I was taking so long but decided fuck it all that matters is that I do it.
2010 like any other year was a mix of plans working out and plans not even close to working out and then the l surprises that happen. Which in a proper life is as it should be.
I spent a lot of the last year moving away from some relationships and circumstances that needed to moved on from to regain a sense of myself again. I had realized I had spent so much time dealing with other peoples shit and not taking care of myself in any way to the point who I was as a person no longer tangible and I had became a shade.
I had made decisions leave certain situations because I was becoming or on a quest to start becoming myself again. I also made decisions to take care of myself for once, not wasting time in endless arguments or trying to help people that refused to do anything about their life except fuck up and gain negative attention.
I had also realized that in my own way I was becoming my own force of nature actually taking on aspects of personality I had run from and avoided for years. For an example I find myself in situations of leadership and responsibilities that usually annoy me because I hate telling people what to do though I do it very well.The people that want me to take the lead do so because I let them be themselves and deal with their positives and negatives to actually get shit done. Another reason is a lot of the time I am going to do shit myself or with those I tell what to do. I fucking hate tyrants though again I can be great one so I tend not want to be an asshole for my own ego gratification.Most of all I try to have fun , get others to have fun and require that out of those I hang with and they know that and that brings freedom.
Moving on....the other thing I had to work on is realizing I am worth a shit, worth knowing, worth loving,and deserve to be happy...so that is what I have been working on this year.
There were miss steps which I really do not feel like going into in depth.The good thing is i got out of those situations fast where before I would be stuck in situations that were unhealthy...if someone drives you nuts and makes you doubt yourself and does everything to be the needy or that needs saved get the fuck out..and if i feel myself acting that way I get the fuck out of it. I am not interested in being saved, I am quite good at doing that for myself, I am not interested in having to save anyone because that is not my job.Done that job.Did it well..will not do it again because most don't want to be saved they want to control you in unhealthy ways and not only you....
Had to say goodbye to a good friend that I worked for , for years.The store where I spent a lot of time over the last ten years hanging with a friend that saw me go through hell and survive is now gone.Going to miss it.RIP Star Market..but that is proper because last year was the beginning of a lot of changes and this was the last tie to an old world and an old life..Which was part of the theme for last year..was it not...
For a lame recap...finally moved out of Tigard , left my pirate fleet and started my own, made a lot of new friends, had a very (thank the goddess whoever that might be...)short relationship that in a nice ironic way introduced me to someone else that I am actually enjoy getting to know and look forward to what ever may be....
Still did not get full time work in 2010 but I knew that was not going to happen. Last year was the transition year..or more like doing the prep work to begin the real work...2011
PART 2: 2011
So this is 2011. Turned forty in January, about a week ago. That brings a lot of weirdness to the table. I have spent the first forty years living life, fucking up, discovering who and what i am about, how people work and how the world works...unfortunately i found out none of the above mentioned work worth a shit....
I had to do a lot of overcoming things mentally and physically over these years.Addictions, insanity, homelessness, doing things that kill most people or totally ruin their mind for life, violence, being totally destroyed emotionally, have everyone I care about turn their back on me to focus on their bullshit, and strange shit...hahaha.
Now I listen to the world call me a loser, failure , worthless , etc. and for the most part they are right..on paper that is...I have spent my life not giving a real fuck about how people want to perceive me as a person because most of the time they are wrong and it is based on not knowing me and i am still that way. I have decided this year of all years belongs to me and I know it does as long as I put the effort into it. As for naysayers and those that will tell me I am not worth a chance or any other negative life sucking shit they can put on me, well they can fuck off completely.You see after years of hearing this and your own family telling you they wish you would of died on the streets and living life without any real moral support from those that not only claim to love you but your own blood that should love you and support and protect you, after hearing that for so long what makes the world think they can fucking hurt me...ha ha ha assholes the jokes on you...having faith in yourself becomes truly interesting when so few have faith in you...
Nice rant huh?....
What does 2011 hold for me.Well I know I am going to find a full time job if they want to give me one or not whoever they may be...then I am moving to Portland or at least somewhere without my family or my ex because I am sick of living with control freak uncooperative family and friends...I am going to start drawing and making music again, going to get back in shape mentally and physically. I am going to fuck like mad....damn it ....hahaha..taking back everything in my life i gave away to others to put myself back together again to be able to give those things of me i value to people that will value those things also and not try to leech from me...
All the years of going through hell was for a lot of good reasons...the next thirty or forty years are going to be a lot more intersting and better...the first forty was preparation the next forty is for living....and laughing at those that were always negative tearing me down and laughing because they actually did more to show me how strong i am as a person and how much I can endure which is a lot more than they could..
So 2011 is mine, good people, life laughter, gaining the last steps of freedom i have been hungering for a long time.
So who is with me on this...
PART 1: 2010
And here we are. For some reason I have been putting this off. Of course the this I am speaking of is the obligatory blog about the last year and the ideas for the new year. I was going to figure out why I was taking so long but decided fuck it all that matters is that I do it.
2010 like any other year was a mix of plans working out and plans not even close to working out and then the l surprises that happen. Which in a proper life is as it should be.
I spent a lot of the last year moving away from some relationships and circumstances that needed to moved on from to regain a sense of myself again. I had realized I had spent so much time dealing with other peoples shit and not taking care of myself in any way to the point who I was as a person no longer tangible and I had became a shade.
I had made decisions leave certain situations because I was becoming or on a quest to start becoming myself again. I also made decisions to take care of myself for once, not wasting time in endless arguments or trying to help people that refused to do anything about their life except fuck up and gain negative attention.
I had also realized that in my own way I was becoming my own force of nature actually taking on aspects of personality I had run from and avoided for years. For an example I find myself in situations of leadership and responsibilities that usually annoy me because I hate telling people what to do though I do it very well.The people that want me to take the lead do so because I let them be themselves and deal with their positives and negatives to actually get shit done. Another reason is a lot of the time I am going to do shit myself or with those I tell what to do. I fucking hate tyrants though again I can be great one so I tend not want to be an asshole for my own ego gratification.Most of all I try to have fun , get others to have fun and require that out of those I hang with and they know that and that brings freedom.
Moving on....the other thing I had to work on is realizing I am worth a shit, worth knowing, worth loving,and deserve to be happy...so that is what I have been working on this year.
There were miss steps which I really do not feel like going into in depth.The good thing is i got out of those situations fast where before I would be stuck in situations that were unhealthy...if someone drives you nuts and makes you doubt yourself and does everything to be the needy or that needs saved get the fuck out..and if i feel myself acting that way I get the fuck out of it. I am not interested in being saved, I am quite good at doing that for myself, I am not interested in having to save anyone because that is not my job.Done that job.Did it well..will not do it again because most don't want to be saved they want to control you in unhealthy ways and not only you....
Had to say goodbye to a good friend that I worked for , for years.The store where I spent a lot of time over the last ten years hanging with a friend that saw me go through hell and survive is now gone.Going to miss it.RIP Star Market..but that is proper because last year was the beginning of a lot of changes and this was the last tie to an old world and an old life..Which was part of the theme for last year..was it not...
For a lame recap...finally moved out of Tigard , left my pirate fleet and started my own, made a lot of new friends, had a very (thank the goddess whoever that might be...)short relationship that in a nice ironic way introduced me to someone else that I am actually enjoy getting to know and look forward to what ever may be....
Still did not get full time work in 2010 but I knew that was not going to happen. Last year was the transition year..or more like doing the prep work to begin the real work...2011
PART 2: 2011
So this is 2011. Turned forty in January, about a week ago. That brings a lot of weirdness to the table. I have spent the first forty years living life, fucking up, discovering who and what i am about, how people work and how the world works...unfortunately i found out none of the above mentioned work worth a shit....
I had to do a lot of overcoming things mentally and physically over these years.Addictions, insanity, homelessness, doing things that kill most people or totally ruin their mind for life, violence, being totally destroyed emotionally, have everyone I care about turn their back on me to focus on their bullshit, and strange shit...hahaha.
Now I listen to the world call me a loser, failure , worthless , etc. and for the most part they are right..on paper that is...I have spent my life not giving a real fuck about how people want to perceive me as a person because most of the time they are wrong and it is based on not knowing me and i am still that way. I have decided this year of all years belongs to me and I know it does as long as I put the effort into it. As for naysayers and those that will tell me I am not worth a chance or any other negative life sucking shit they can put on me, well they can fuck off completely.You see after years of hearing this and your own family telling you they wish you would of died on the streets and living life without any real moral support from those that not only claim to love you but your own blood that should love you and support and protect you, after hearing that for so long what makes the world think they can fucking hurt me...ha ha ha assholes the jokes on you...having faith in yourself becomes truly interesting when so few have faith in you...
Nice rant huh?....
What does 2011 hold for me.Well I know I am going to find a full time job if they want to give me one or not whoever they may be...then I am moving to Portland or at least somewhere without my family or my ex because I am sick of living with control freak uncooperative family and friends...I am going to start drawing and making music again, going to get back in shape mentally and physically. I am going to fuck like mad....damn it ....hahaha..taking back everything in my life i gave away to others to put myself back together again to be able to give those things of me i value to people that will value those things also and not try to leech from me...
All the years of going through hell was for a lot of good reasons...the next thirty or forty years are going to be a lot more intersting and better...the first forty was preparation the next forty is for living....and laughing at those that were always negative tearing me down and laughing because they actually did more to show me how strong i am as a person and how much I can endure which is a lot more than they could..
So 2011 is mine, good people, life laughter, gaining the last steps of freedom i have been hungering for a long time.
So who is with me on this...
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