Pain And Its Assorted Bullshit....

I really hate life right now the good thing is in a few minutes, hours, days, weeks,months it will all be better the pain and horror and raw nerves and the thoughts not wanted and the feelings not desired will be less and less and less...and then one day i will wonder why i cared so much at all in the first place..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tja6_h4lT6A&feature=BFa&list=FLtFt8HMLwynpYvQoQFLm7aw&lf=my_favorites

I Am Not Living Up To My Full Potential......

...... in my life at all.In fact I feel stuck in a loop,in a rut, having a glitch in the software known as the brain. Things have to change in all areas of my life....

In Life Things Must Change....And You Better Fucking Get Used To it...

   Change. The word conjures up so many things, some are illusion, some are concrete realities.The word alone creates fear in some people so strong they cannot move.The action of change will sometimes do the same thing even to the point some people would rather deal in denial and create a reality opposed to what is really going on.Change can be scary and it can hurt and the worst part of it is sometimes it needs to fucking hurt so you can move forward in life.Like re breaking a bone that has grown back together twisted and useless so it can mend strait and be of use.

   For some people change is even if not sought after it is at least dealt with and used to begin something new and beneficial or to get back on to a path in their life that will bring good things.

   Unfortunately or maybe fortunately life has to have both outlooks and a willingness to face fear and pain and loss to hopefully gain peace of mind and progress.

   Things in life change in life if you want it or not.Some change is of our own volition.The desire to make life better to get rid of the things holding us back or damaging us or others.Some change must happen because it must and that it just how the universe rolls sometimes.

   I have had times where I welcomed the idea of change and made it happen.Other times it was not a change I wanted but needed to happen to be able to become a more whole person and let it happen.Most of the time change was something I fought tooth and nail screaming obscenities the whole time until I found out it was not that bad of a thing.

   Right now my life is a mix of changes happening I did not want and changes that must happen for me to be a more whole healthy person for myself and those I love.Some changes are because I needed to do them but spent too much time procrastinating or letting my ego get in the way of truth and self reflection and to stop being such an idiot.Right now there are changes that I cannot put words to yet because they are not fully formed and I do not have enough understanding to do them correctly and that will come.

What The Fuck Do I Do Now.....

It is almost the end of 2011 and about a month away from being the end of my fortieth year on this earth.Was a year of definitely highs and lows, and right now it is a state of flux.There are many possibilities in front of me as to what this next year will be.All of them depend on my decisions ultimately yet a few possible outcomes have a lot to do with other people or circumstances. As it is I have no idea as to what is  going to come.Some things I can change and push forward on my own other things depend on me waiting for more information or things to align themselves in a stable pattern.

Never did quite quit smoking or drinking though I can say I am drinking far less.In fact the last time I drank I had found I am kind of  losing the taste for it. I did get working this year and still have the job though the hours are crap and I must find either a full time job or a decent second job. The only other bad part is because of the hours and constantly changing days I rarely get time with my daughter, my girlfriend who I never see anymore , and friends that i have not seen in about nine months.And having to be stuck back at the parents house again til i can save and find a place kinda sucks as usual.As for my relationship better off saying very little because it is not concrete nor is it dissolved.

Again we head into a new year and there are things I must accomplish.Mentally and physically and spiritually I desire to have more control and discipline and advancement in all three of those areas.I must find more work and get moved out.I will wait and see where my relationship goes.I will get in better shape.Good thing is i have lost quite a bit of the weight so am feeling better.I must start drawing again and a few other things I need to start again.Most of all I want to stay just being a happy positive realistic person in the face of all the horrible shit that likes to happen to me at the same time.Fuck this being depressed and immobile.I have shit to accomplish.