I miss when people looked forward to meeting a member of the opposite sex, have sex, not make a big fucking deal about it that was for later...for marriage...(except for some it got destroyed or damaged or warped before they had a chance to just go out meet people, full around explore find out what you wanted..
I miss things before life got in the way.
Lately hate to say it I really miss sex...(wouldn't mind if I had a long term relationship to go with it...and especially not have it die in the relationship over some stupid shit or losing touch with how powerful sex can be for good and not just for the bad shit people do with it.)
I miss connecting with someone..yeah we end up dating people , we end up in momentary sexual situations be it loneliness, boredom, alcohol, etc and we do connect sometimes be it only physically and sexually(and that is okay because that does happen..not enough for my liking lately.)but i mean that weird intangible that makes it go from momentary lust , beyond the infatuation stage and to the sitting up all night talking , playing music, fucking, making dinner, making lives try to interconnect..even years into the relationship...you lose all that stuff and just worry about work and the neighbors and gossip and bullshit it starts to take away the intangible, the connection on that deeper level and all you have left is worries and arguments and cold shoulders and separate beds and separate lives...
I miss fucking...I have not had many years with relationships or sexual activity..I am broken somehow...Social anxiety,always, the bi polar, the not fitting in and the not going with the flow because it is easier that way...then also the fucked up years of addiction out of that pain loneliness not fitting in and the disease....so yeah who in their right mind wants someone like that...But I was talking about sex...and not that shitty sex where you basically ended up masturbating using another person like a fucking sex toy from the Adult Store....I am talking about people getting into their feeling, pleasure while giving others pleasure,I am talking about a lot of foreplay, a lot of finding out what gets that person off and making sure to do that as much as possible for them, be it long slow afternoon sex, or wild animal sex, or that giving someone a blow job, or eating them out , or a hand job just because and not to get anything back..just to make them feel good for no reason except you want them to feel good...when sex starts becoming reward/punishment you have lost the meaning of it.Then it becomes another manipulation tool...I miss have that person in my arms in whatever positions we use...feeling them quake, feeling them hold on to you for dear life as they orgasm, feeling their slick body next to yours as you cuddle and cool down...being naked with someone you care about is wonderful and important..it lends itself to trust...
I miss being me because I do not know where the fuck I went...all I know I have been fighting this world, universe for as long as I remember to be free, aware, my own self, and for others to have that also..but along the way I have become weary and lost things that made up me along the way...been doing this alone most of my life....I have fought many people when I knew I was right no matter how much they tried to tell me I wasn't or just freaking out...People have left because I wasn't the knight in shining armor for them, been in too many wars to be shiny...people left after I fought for them, their life, our life together, after they lost that weight, or got off the drugs and alcohol, found fucking god, or they ended up just being like those people they were against....treating me like how we used to get treated...they sold out because it was easier to be mindless and play the part and have security even when it was with someone who abused them or ignored them or once they got what they wanted were off to the next thing..But that is okay people leave..those ones should of left sooner or I should have...still kinda weary and beat up from fighting my own problems my own fucking brain...sucks..I have done some leaving , well not really I just stopped being around see who noticed enough to give a fuck(i remember when younger we would go get our people that shut themselves off, or felt unwanted or just unreal, we made them go do shit....maybe that was just me)Of course sometimes I need to shut myself away because it gets too much for me all the arguments the power playing , the everything..
So of course this means I probably will never have sex again, or do anything interesting in somebodies life, or anything...
Maybe this all comes down to I need to lay down the rest of what is useless and keeping me back and pick up the things that are true real and important to me again...to start creating and recreating...including myself.
I don't have much time left...i better get with it..
