I am sitting here at 8:32 a.m. drinking a beer (a Hop Stoopid to be accurate) with an olde friend and companion of mine that I must say goodbye to.
We have if we were olde cowboys rode together many years, since I was thirteen to be exact. We have shared many good times, great experiences, love, discovered music and art and ourselves together. We have also experienced much pain together, heartbreak, suffering, breakdowns and loss. Many times because of each other.
We know each other in a way few people can know each other. We inspired each other to great lunacy , laughter and insight.We also inspired each other to waste, madness, and blindness.
We are best of friends and greatest of enemies.
My companion has been killing me for many years. I while needing this friend to get through many a hard time allowed it to at the same time contribute to the hard times. (I was always a lover of great paradox..)and I have to say goodbye(though a reunion once or twice a year is not so bad, sometimes a friend is like that.).You see I do not feel as alone as I once did. Kind of ironic with my constant companion I was alone all that time..Told you I am a lover of great paradox. So not feeling that alone anymore I do not feel the need to be with my olde friend..you see it takes me away from those I love the most though it never always seemed that way.
Many of you have seen me and my Olde Friend run amok and be a source of great amusement and realities...never knowing that I was a deadman running around mimicking life, and that makes me sad.And often I am told I cannot be without that Olde Fiend...that makes me sad because I realize that either no one knows who I am without the Fiend or that maybe no one has ever really got to know me.
By know those two people that have ever read my posts know that I am saying goodbye to alcohol(though everyone seems to think I cannot..maybe it is they cannot..who knows..again lover of paradox..lol)My body I have put to its limits for way too long.And though there are great drunks...I no longer want to be one of them.It is a waste of my potential and will take me away from everyone(the few there are)that ever loved and cherished and wanted me.
Before last weekend I had decided that brewfest and probably Plunder A Thon would be my going out in style.All it did was remind me i used to drink so much because i hated life and the world around me.Drinking doesn't make that hate go away it just makes me part of it in a way and brings me closer to the death I see in this world masquerading as life.I am tired of dying and I have been killing myself way too long.
As I weigh the scales I see I and those that I love around me have lost more than they gained by my running amok drinking..sure it looks like fun, and sure it has been at times, and you know what? I want to be known more for than I am a fun drunk.And I want my daughter and my Woman and my friends to know me for more than that also.
