Who In The Hell Gets Claustrophobic When They Go Outside...

For some reason when I hit certain levels of depression I end up with this claustrophobic feeling when I go outside. I am sure someone will try to argue that I am feeling something else , but I know better.

So now besides not being able to be in the same room with people (and this is family mind you) and definately around people in the outside world, or around friends I have this weird outside claustrophobic feeling. So that is fun. I just do not feel like being awake but have slept so much my body is in agony. Life has not been fun lately.

All I can do is ride it out and hope it goes away soon. I really hate depression and sadness and really try to avoid it as much as possible. When you have been dealing with this since you were nine or ten and it has at times lasted for a year or more instead of a month or two or a day or two it tends to wig you out when you have had a long period without it.

The fucked up part is nothing helps it. Not exercise, hanging out with friends, sex, alcohol is a total waste at these points and besides usually stupid shit happens when drunk and depressed, drugs are a temporary solution at best and an enabler to depression at worst so that is out.

Then friends and family are either pissed off at me or are scared shitless for me because I cut myself off  for a period of time because I do not want them to have to deal with me and I cannot deal with them worrying about me....I always survive , somehow I always do. It is just a matter of time....

Unfortunately like bad poetry written by teenagers, we will have this bad blog written by depression...
I don't think I want to write anymore....

On Going Away....

Going away for awhile...don't know if I will be back...it seems like I really need to just drop out of things for a long while to re assess things.

Unfortunately people are going to either be pissed, sad, afraid I am going to do something to myself (I have spent a lifetime of "doing something to myself" so I don't think that is something to worry about) or bugging the shit out of me trying to get me to talk about it or probably not even notice at all. Since when haven't I talked about it? Sounds like a good time to quit talking about it whatever it is..because it is never one thing...

All I can say is I have nothing left to give to everyone..I am burnout and still have not taken any time to repair the shit I have done to myself or the shit the world has kicked out of me either.Thus I have become totally useless to everyone, they might not think so but I know who I used to be and I have not been that person in a long time.

Do I completely know what I am doing? Hell fucking no, yet I have ignored this long enough and if I don't take time to hole up and fix this I am going to hurt a lot more people than I have already.

And I would like to survive this all...there is much to be done for this to happen...

Sometimes it takes a long time, other times it is just a matter of a month or two. The hardest part is knowing I have to do this so I can stay alive and knowing it is going to hurt quite a few people.Sucks to do the necessary thing sometimes.I fucking hate it..and right now I am not really fond of myself either...

Decided Something To Do This Weekend...

Decided to go to an event though I know in some regards it might be irritating.There are people I wish were going to be there but I know they are not and that makes me sad.I am going to spend time helping a vendor I helped set up to do this event and for some reason the whole fleet  is attending for once and that has not happened in a long time.

Going to be spending a lot of the time running around by myself also because that is how I stay sane and out of the chaos...I just need to go somewhere do something though I know it won't get my mind off things it will probably make it worse..

So it is safe to say I am of two minds about this...

MindRiot

The Just Got Out Of Bed Blog....

Why in the hell am I trying to write anything when I have just climbed out of bed after a nice five hour of sleep marathon?I have no idea because I have had five hours of sleep.

Another day of dying in the sun trying to help get some things done around this house so Dad does not drop dead of a heart attack or heat stroke(while trying to avoid the same things myself.)Thank(insert deity of some sort here, I am choosing chocolate with sprinkles and a side of Guiness(tm))I have five hours in a bottle of energy to offset the fucking five hours of sleep I had earlier. Cannot wait until this major shit is done this weekend because i need to concentrate on Labor Ready and finding a job before i go absolutely bat shit crazy.Hell I did not even make it to Seattle by myself like I wanted to do this summer.Hell I cannot even make it down the block on the bus...Summer has proven to be  disappointing , again...

Fuck it.I usually have more fun in the winter time anyway...

One thing I am going to do this winter is save some money and go somewhere by myself to somewhere I have never been before. Probably the ocean because winter time means less people..of course less to do also..Maybe I will commit myself for fun, but that is costly abusing a mental health system that fails and abuses us...probably would not let me out anyway..Maybe I will go see The Mormon In Mammoth....Cameron.Most likely I will just end up in some bar watching some band in Portland on a rainy night by myself..

And now random quotes:

We are what we do... Not what we did. Now if we continue doing what we used to do, we can't be upset that we are still what we were, simply because we're still doing what we did!

Damon Lofton 

It doesn't work to leap a twenty-foot chasm in two ten-foot jumps.

American proverb 

Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

Karen Kaiser Clark 

---

You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.

(from the character Atticus Finch)

- Harper Lee

It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.
Sayings of Irish Origin

The true revolution is in mind
Remember that and all else shines
Rozz Williams-Christian Death


All great truths begin as blasphemies.
George Bernard Shaw 


Good Morning...


MindRiot

Life Is For Living....Life Is Not For Dying....

Interesting how my daughter picks the most interesting times to lay some knowledge down. She took the time today to remind me(out of the blue mind you...it had nothing to do with what we were talking about.)that no matter how sad you might be about situations in your life a person has to do their best to be happy to do something about the sadness...or in a nutshell deal with it.

Somethings in life you can fix and others you cannot fix until you have more resources to fix them. Then there are the things you cannot fix and though that can hurt like hell you still have a life to live.Life is for living, life is not for dying.

I amongst others have had life through a curve in the path we were on. I went back to my books, sleeping too long, and diving into physical labor and avoiding people because I don't want to talk about it and did not want people to have to deal with Matt being depressed. All ways to avoid feelings for a little bit.Of course 3 a.m. knows all your secrets(borrowed from Poppy Z. Brite-Lost Souls.)

So knowing that life is not for dying but for living and that life threw a curve in the path where I did not really expect still fucking sucks ass, but again you never know where that curve is going to take you. It could lead right back to the road you were on , hell it might even be a shortcut but because you are lost you did not know that was a reality. Sometimes you have to get lost to find your way again..

For a little while I may still hide away a little til ready to deal with certain emotions and the reality that is for right now....or I may not...It is no ones fault and I feel sad that some may think I have fallen off the face of the earth or make some sad because they cannot help me or I won't let them. You see there is one truth in my life I have always experienced: It is that I was built to help others and sometimes people help me....they help me more when they find happiness and peace in their souls...but I am mainly here for other people and not them for me That is not a bad thing..except when I fail....Sometimes there is one or two to help , but luckily I am good at rising from the ashes...a little singed( but hey it is better than the condition I used to wake up in.)

So to those that know and love me you always know i rise above somehow and don't worry yourselves over me I am still here...always am...

So to say it one more time...Life is for Living , Life is NOT for Dying...I for one am tired of having one foot in the grave...fuck all the dumb shit lets fuck shit up and have a good life..

MindRiot

P.S.: If anyone who reads this ever needs to talk about things that are killing them inside I am always here to respond.Send me a message or something and I will answer..NO ONE should ever have to go it alone..just because I am good at it does not mean you have to..

MindRiot

Nothing To Say....

Wish I had something interesting to ramble on about. So just to make sure I remember I have this blog I am reduced to typing about absolutely nothing....My life can be so boring....

To Offset The Previous Post....

To offset the melancholy and seemingly depression atmosphere of the last few posts..one never knows what is coming next , sometimes surprises happen sometimes they do not...just have to keep at least one eye open to the possibilities of living no matter how fucking horrid life might have been for years(and believe me for me it is decades..)or even how mundane it might have been(at least I can say I have never been bored.).

The phoenix always rises and the MindRiot never gives up....I am not allowed to and believe me i tried.....

In Defense Of Going ....And Re-emerging..

Life just got a little dimmer for a little bit.Did not really expect it but how can you(which is amazing for me the optimistic pessimist.ha ha hem)So if I don't say hello or don't show up somewhere don't assume you did anything wrong or that I am being rude.

Sometimes it is safest to cocoon for a while and then reemerge as not necessarily something new and beautiful.More like subtly different...which is funny because that is one thing i have never been accused of being subtly different....

Being alone in the dark isn't so bad if you know where to look for the light....don't worry I won't be gone long and always there if needed so do not be afraid if you need something to get a hold of me.Always willing to hear others fears, pains, worries and to help...

this sounds way more dark and ominous than it really is...

MindRiot

Back To Square One....

Life is for living.....I don't know how to approach what has just happened in life. Usually I just disappear(strangely  enough no one ever seems to come look for me and when I come back they are mad at me for not being around.Shit I was just around the corner they knew where I was) but that would not do anybody any good especially not me.

Though it is uncomfortable having certain things happen , it is okay it happened, because in life shit happens all the time..

What in the hell am I writing about dear reader...well the fuck all if i could tell you....and even if I could I don't think I would tell you.

Another day in the life called Mindriot..

Storming The Reality Studio....

I changed the name of this blog with something that made more sense to me...a title I  always liked. Can you name the author I stole this from?

It Is A Morons Apocalypse....

Nothing to post I just like that phrase and  it seems accurate the last few years...

Books Are Just Not For Making You Blind....

I have this bad habit of reading more than one book at a time.I usually have two or three going at a time.The reason for this is I usually have many different types of books.For example this week I was reading graphic novels(comic books for those who are not sure what I mean by graphic novel, though few of them are funny and even fewer have superheroes in them.) some very strange southern gothic horror(had to force a description for Joe R Landsdale books.None of those words do the style of this man justice)a book called 86'd by Dan Fante for those of you in to the Bukowski and Hubert Selby Jr. type writing and some book about some American ball players that defected to the Soviet Union during the  Stalin era and the terrible things that happened to them there, and a biography of Franklin Delano Roosevelt...
The funny thing to me is this need to read so wide a variety of subjects has nothing to do with the Bi Polar or a short attention span like others have tried to use to identify why I would do such a thing.I like variety and different moods and  concepts.It is the same way when i surf the net and listen to music...variety of experience.....makes shit fun....so the moral of this story is hell I don't know I just wanted to write about books...


MindRiot

Ha Lets Try This Again...

After many long lost online journal and blog entries lost to the recesses of my mind(which to translate I cannot remember where they are at.) and recognising that this is a new life lately I have decided to start another blog/journal thing.You poor , poor people you have my sympathies.

Don't expect perfect grammar(and please no back seat editing) or always coherent perfect thought forms or that this will even make sense.This thing is just an outlet for expression of the weird things (and the normal things) that happen to trespass in my mind every so often...

Warning I fucking cuss a lot, my humor can often be just plain wrong, I do not tolerate racism, hatred of homosexuals, or the hatred towards women or even men(though the bastards often deserve it, men I mean.) though I may mock religion I am really mocking self righteous religion sanctified violence intolerance and hatred.
I may sometimes play the devils advocate to prove a point(and I will tell you afterwards that is what I was doing.) and sometimes I may just be the devil to amuse you all.

I value individuals over the masses though the masses are made up of individuals...chew on that one a while and see what your mind does with it...and i hope you do too.

What am I trying to communicate , what is my message in all this....absolutely nothing and everything...take what you want from it...maybe for one moment it will make you think a little different for a minute, let you see things a different way for a moment or a lifetime..and maybe just maybe you will end up standing around going what the fuck is wrong with this guy...either way I hope it takes away a little of the boredom you might feel that day.....

MindRiot