Prolific or just having to ramble you decide...
Ooops got distracted...
I find myself in a very interesting point in my life. Last year was a year of outer change.What I mean by that is I started removing people and things and attitudes that were non productive and in most circumstances destructive to my sense of self and well being.These changes produced results quite quickly.I found myself more sane than I have been in many years, less angry, less empty, less hopeless.I had hit the point in my life where I was no longer anything like who I had been or wanted to be.I was a burnt out husk of a person, and when I decided that I no longer wanted to let others hurt me and took that responsibility for myself to become myself again life had a little more color again.
I started coming out of others shadows and being the person attached to other people and recognized as this person people knew but only saw the shadow of who I am. Many new friendships were formed and other deepened.I also found out through a relationship that could of in the past been a long miserable one dealing with someone else's insanity(which makes mine worse) and having it end that now I have finally got to the point of not having to be someone's fucking saviour and be emotionally blackmailed or stay in something out of fear or guilt about what will happen to them.Then something unexpected happened.
I had set myself on the idea of the hell with relationships with one person or even the idea I could love or have someone to be in love. There are certain mindsets I want in my life but felt that would never be so instead of going through more damage or worse being someone else's damage through a false relationship built of the time honored fear of never getting laid or be alone to settle for someone that I had only marginal similarities with. So I was going along just doing whatever I was going to do, and found someone to do that with and we were both surprised by the fact we had way more in common in mindset and how to live life than we thought.The funny thing to me is instead of us both being terrified of that idea and running away from each other as fast as we could which is usually the normal thing to do....we decided to run into each other and see exactly where this takes us.It says a lot to me that I really have no fear about this.It is nice to run across someone that I feel like I know and that has qualities I had missed in a woman and friend and lover...(every time I hear that word I think of this one Saturday Night Live skit...which I will post later.)anybody that put on and enjoys punk rock at 7 am while I cook breakfast for us is a keeper...So yeah this is someone I am going to really enjoy experiencing life with and finding out what happens...
So that was last year of the outer things being changed that produced the healthy environment to produce the life changes I need to start the second half of my life.For all those years of chaos and pain and destruction I decided this year is my year and no one is going to take that away from me....
This year it is just focus on my daughter, my new relationship with a cool creative woman,the positive friendships I have, getting full time work again(fucking economy and dealing with other peoples shit was a full time job last year)and a place with my friend Rob and life will take care of itself.
A kind of side note....There was a place I had mentioned in other posts where I use to hang out then worked at, and a friend and family that became family to me.That place was there for me all through the last ten years of chaos.I think it is fitting as life has changed in a positive way that the store closing is great symbolism for the ending of things to make way for better things.It also is a last tie to a chapter of my life.Nick is going on to better things and so is his family and so am I..but damn I am going to miss all the fun we had...
Oh and here is that lovers skit I mentioned earlier
http://www.hulu.com/watch/4135/saturday-night-live-patio-lovers
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